Ah… My 38th lap around the sun…
I don’t even know where to start. Like most people the past year has been nothing like I had planned it.
In fact this time last year I hadn’t even decided to come to England yet. And here I am having ticked over 10 months of being here.
Kicking off the lap
My 38th lap around the sun kicked off in Melbourne. My man + I had planned a week away for my birthday just 6 weeks before he left me. As part of that we had bought the plane tickets + booked a pretty nice hotel for a couple of nights. It was only about 10 days before my birthday I decided to still go.
The flight there was super hard. There was an empty seat next to me, it was meant to be where he was sitting. It was a very stark reminder that I was alone. There were some tears. Then I had the thought… that seat represents possibility. The space in my life where possibility can now flourish.
I had the most amazing day. I treated myself to breakfast, headed out to the burbs for lunch in a cafe that had crystals on the table…! And then took a walk through the Museum of Broken Dreams. The day finished off with a meal cooked in my room with a candle to make a wish, stuck in the middle of it. I don’t even know what I wished for that day…
Lovingly getting my butt kicked
When I arrived home from those few days away I had some friends coming to visit for a late birthday get together. I sent them both a message telling them I needed my butt kicked into gear because I had spent enough time wallowing.
Well I certainly did not expect to end up in England as a result of that. But that is exactly what happened. That and them making me do somersaults on my loungeroom floor!
Their advice was that I needed to get myself out of my environment. To go somewhere different so I could stop being ‘stuck’. I can’t actually remember where they suggested but I do remember saying that if I was going to go run away anywhere it would be to England. There was ALOT of tears when we were talking about it. I’m a big believer that if something brings up that much emotion it needs to be acted upon.
The use of run away was very deliberate. It really felt like that was what I was doing. That feeling didn’t really sit with well. I’m not the person to run away. Put my head under a doona + block the world out for a period of time – sure, but run away – no.
It’s crazy to think that it’s been a year since I dipped my toes into the possibility of it happening. So much has happened in this past year, it seems like a lifetime ago.
The decision to actually move I put over to the universe. I thought at any stage along the way a speed bump was encountered then I wouldn’t go. I checked with my Aunties in England that they were happy to have me. I made sure my mum was going to be ok with me going. This might seem like a strange thing for a 37 year old to do – check with her mum. I knew she would never say no. However my moving to England holds a lot of emotion both for my Mum + me. Then there was getting the Right of Abode so I could live + work in England like a citizen. And the final hurdle was finding a home for my dog whilst I was gone. I so wanted to take her with me. In fact not having her has been quite possibly the hardest thing to deal with whilst being away. You may role your eyes, she’s only a dog… but Chia has sat with me during every up and down in my life over the past 7 years! It’s not like you can have a chat with her over FaceTime like you can your friends + family. The reason Chia didn’t come on this adventure with me was the quarantine she would face when arriving back into Australia. 3 weeks in a boarding kennel would have been torture for her, not to mention the cost of that! Needless to say she is being showered with love + attention, I may even have a hard time getting her back… lol!
There were no speed bumps so on the 31st of October I landed in England.
That notion of running away. Well that was silly of me. I really should have known better. “Wherever you go, you are still there.” That quote has most certainly been true for me. I think deep down I knew that moving to the other side of the world would not stop the pain + hurt. And it didn’t.
Within weeks of arriving I was a mess with doubt, regret, questioning.
A year of lessons
The lessons I have learnt this year have been nothing like I have experienced during the whole of my 37 other laps around the sun.
My 37th lap around the sun bought me all the events and situations that lead to emotional growth that has been my 38th lap around the sun.
Interestingly whilst reading back through my diary over the past couple of weeks I had actually known this was coming. Did that make it any easier – absolutely not! This last year has been one of the hardest of my life on an emotionally growing level. My 37th lap around the sun was pretty horrific in terms of situations that happened. But this year has broken me down, over and over again.
On the 11th of November last year – yep 11/11 – I actually wrote these words in my diary during a letter I was writing from my future self to my present self…
England, what an experience. Can you believe you actually did it. I still remember so vividly how emotional you were before you left. Look how much you have grown. It was hard. You had to go deep. And then deeper. And then shed it all. You definitely went kicking + screaming some of the way didn’t you. A the time I remember feeling that you wanted to give up. That is was easier to stay ‘safe’ + ‘play small’ But you didn’t you were courageous and look where you are at.
Your love + respect for yourself first and foremost is beyond my belief. The trust you have in yourself. Im in awe of it. That doubt you were forever carrying around, sure it still appears, it’s allowed to but it doesn’t paralyse you anymore. It started with you shaking off those old beliefs of not being worthy, of not being able to be happy, to have everything you wish for.
You have given yourself everything you ever wanted and it was as simple and as difficult as loving, respecting + trusting yourself….
A year of endings
This year is a year 9 for me in numerology. Which is the last in the cycle. It is the end, the closing up, the finishing ready launch into something new.
And that’s actually how it feels. It feels like who I was before is totally gone. And not in a sad way. Like the person I was needed to end.
In reading back over where I was a year ago, that person wasn’t happy. She was looking outside of herself for her happiness. And I wondered why I was never happy.
Now yes I had that thought, that realisation a year ago, but it’s not like everything changed in an instance. It did not. It took a lot more work to realise and cement that. It’s taken me the best part of year to realise that.
There have been a lot of world crumbling moments on an emotional level. Lockdown and my world literally stopping just as it felt like it was kicking off over here was exactly what I needed – trust me at the time it did not feel like that. But I love hindsight – it teaches us so much.
I don’t mean to make my year seem all doom and gloom. Because it absolutely wasn’t. Even the moments of emotional turmoil, whilst at the time was hard, I wouldn’t trade them because the way that I feel now is amazing!
I also ticked off some pretty significant achievements. I started a podcast. This has been something I have wanted to do for so long. But my fear and inner critic kept me from doing it.
I can tell you starting a podcast is something that I have wanted to do for a long time but not only was I battling with my fear I was also battling with the doubts of ‘what am I going to talk about’ and who would want to come on my podcast…? Not to mention the countless times I have been told my voice is ‘too loud’, ‘too nasal’, ‘you don’t speak clearly’ and I’ve even been told my voice was offensive…
Yet from the moment I made the decision to do start podcasting there has been no doubt. And the process has been so enjoyable. Made so much easier by the podcasting goddess Karly Nimmo who gave me the push I needed but also the very practical tools to get it into your ear holes.
I’ve loved getting out of my comfort zone. Learning something new, because I’m doing everything from the admin, the artwork, the editing and the website.
I’ve loved the conversations. I am buzzing every time I record one.
I’ve loved getting out of my comfort zone and sending those podcast request emails. It was the perfect lesson – I can do the scary things – and guess what so can you!
Oh and the biggest achievement – I moved to the other side of the world. It’s crazy to think that as this episode drops it will be a year since I dipped my toes into the possibility of it happening.
Until this year I had been quite hit and miss with showing up for my business. But in the past 9 months I have sent out an email each week filled with information, a recipe and my musings. This coupled with having recorded a podcast for each week for the past 17 weeks has made me realise that I absolutely can be consistent and show up. No matter what is happening in my life.
Well actually that was until last week. I was away with my Aunties and cousin up the North of England having an explore around where my Nannie Mar grew up and where my mum used to visit her grandparents for holidays. And I had every intention of doing a podcast and email whilst I was up there… but lack of internet connection where we were staying had other plans.
Now Kirsty of old would have had a mini meltdown over this. Internally it would have felt like the work was falling apart. And the abuse I would have been hurling at myself mentally would have been so damn harsh. But if there is one thing I have learnt over the past 18mths is to shrug and carry on when the plans don’t go to plan. It’s like everything I have had planned for myself during this time has been shaken up a little so I have had to learn to loosen the control and go with the flow. Can I just say – So less stressful! So I’ll just be picking up from where I left off and next time have a back up plan so I don’t need to miss a week in the future.
Not only have I showed up for my business I have showed up for myself. This took some learning. And it was so hard. This was actually the hardest thing I’ve done all year. And I did it through letting someone who I love go.
Having him in my life, whilst it totally left me feeling uplifted and left my body feeling all warm + fuzzy when we spoke, having him in my life was also so destructive for me emotionally. Even 3 plus months on, I have to keep very consciously choosing me. Because the love I have for him is still so strong, but I have learnt over the last year that the love I have for myself needs to be stronger. It is also very clear that he hasn’t chosen me so I need to keep that promise I made to myself and keep choosing me.
There really is nothing outside of us that we can’t get from within.
Truly understanding me
This year has really been about learning about me. Which seems such a strange thing to do at the age of 37 going on 38. You would think that we would know who we are by the time we got to this age wouldn’t you… But for me I have been living so disconnected from myself and this I have only began to realise in the past couple of years.
Helping me do this has been really tuning into the moon cycles and working with them. I had be doing a few ceremonies and such randomly since 2018 with the full moons mainly. Then This time last year after discovering Jordana Levin I joined Luna Lover. And for a year now I have followed the moon cycles. Not just the full and new moons but really paying attention to the energies that are brung with each moon.
This then lead me to dive deeper into astrology. And when I’m talking about astrology I don’t mean just reading my star sign and seeing if life will be good or not that week. I have loved really diving in deep. Looking at where all the planets line up in my chart, what house they are in and what they are doing in the skies at the time. I cannot tell you how much this has helped me understand myself. From the way I need to look after my emotional side. The way I communicate, the way I love, the way I feel pain. The areas of my life where I naturally flourish and where there is some resistance.
I haven’t used any of this as excuses. For me this knowledge has allowed me to understand why the areas of my life that have been sticky in the past and how to make sure they don’t happen again. I have also really enjoyed looking into the charts of those close to me. It helps me understand them better so I know I will have a better relationship with them.
I have also learnt the value of journalling – not that I do it enough. That and mediation are those things that I seem to struggle to get myself to sit and do but feel so damn amazing after. Like the words that go down on that page when I’m journalling honestly amazes me at times. There is so much wisdom inside of us if we can just get out of our own way to allow it to come through.
Wrapping up the lap
My 38th lap ended with an espresso martini at 8am in the morning – now this may sound a little shocking but anyone who knows me knows I love a morning espresso martini to celebrate – I mean it’s coffee – it’s totally a morning drink. I had this with my family back in Australia via facetime. It was so good – and of course there was cake. My lovely uncle baked me coffee + walnut cake so I could have cake with them. There was balloons and signs up, so the party really did kick off the moment I opened my eyes.
Then I went to my favourite cafe and had a yummy chai with my gorgeous friend Hannah, another FaceTime call with my girl Nikki back home who was celebrating her 40th! It was so good to see her and a few other friends, before heading another of my Aunties for more celebrations. My family in england is large. My mum is one of 8 so that gives me lots of Aunties, Uncles and Cousins. I truly felt so loved. They made me feel incredibly special. In fact everyone who sent me messages, called me, saw me – it was just what I needed. Each one of these people see me and love me for me. Just as I am…
And so kicks off the 39th lap perfectly timed with a New Moon in my sign of Virgo – let’s see what this one will bring…