This is one of those moments.
One of those moments when you look back.
I haven’t yet decided if it’s to see how far I have come or to see what I had.
It may seem all doom and gloom to look back and reflect on what you had. And notice the things you don’t have in your life anymore. This can also be a time and a moment of growth. It can be a moment of realisation. That is what it has been for me.
As I write this it has been 7 months since I arrived in England.
It has also been 1 year since quite honestly my life crumbled. You can read more about that here
Let the dust settle.
Once the dust settles on the past it can be extremely helpful to look back. And by dust I mean the emotion. When we remove the emotion we can see that the past was just a series of events that happened.
For such a long time I have carried around a narrative that guy’s have left me. This extends quite a way back. However if I take out the emotion of those situations I find that they didn’t leave me. They just left.
When I removed this extra narrative it released it’s hold. It released the sadness. If the guys in my life left, rather than left me then I no longer had to search for what was wrong with me to cause them to leave. Gone was the narrative that I was not pretty enough, skinny enough, loving enough. That maybe I was too much, too needy, too emotional. That I just wasn’t worthy of them sticking around.
Sticking to the facts.
Why do we have to put a reason around it? The facts are the facts – they left. And trust me this has and continues to be something I need to remind myself. I spend a lot of time in my head. Being a Virgo I am ruled by Mercury the thinking planet, I have no other Earth signs in my chart to ground me and my Mercury sits in an air sign (the thinking signs!). Since I’ve learnt this about myself it has been a revelation. It explains A LOT! And also allows me to make sure I bring myself out of that head space regularly because it’s honestly tiring!
And in full disclosure, looking back at my last breakup without the emotion – I can see that I was at times too needy, too emotional. I was gripping on so hard to be loved by someone. For my man to patch the holes left by the ones that went before him. That in the end I drove him away.
No one can resuce me. I know I’ve already tried it.
This one is all on me.
Seeing how far I have come.
I didn’t look back and come to this conclusion to punish myself. It has in fact done the opposite. It has allowed me to love myself. Like actually love every part of me. Something I don’t remember having ever done on my nearly 38 years on this earth.
It’s in statements like that where I can see how far I have come.
And because I’m all about keeping it real – another full disclosure… I am by far from enlightened. I still have those emotional moments when I don’t feel good enough, when those thoughts of lack and unworthiness come up. It happened only yesterday. Those emotions I felt a year ago. They were back. We are human. This is perfectly normal! And I also want to acknowledge that in the past these emotional moments would have me shit spiralling down to some dark places. It wasn’t enough that one area of my life wasn’t ‘perfect’, I had to spread it across EVERY area and I would feel stuck for days.
In fact when the love of my life walked out a year ago, I was at the bottom of that spiral, broken for months. Sure it was emotionally rough yesterday but I kept it nicely contained in its area, not letting it leech through my life. And I had managed to spiral my way back up by the time it had gotten dark. Looking back I can see how far I’ve come! This is why sometimes its ok to look back.
Remember those feelings and emotions from the past, from those major breakdown moments are just that – feelings and emotions. They will come back up because that is what they do. It is up to us to circle them away so they don’t take hold.
I’ve learnt to be gentle with the part of me that takes it in so deeply and holds onto it for far too long.
That’s also the part of me that loves like an awakening and knows what it’s like to trace a soul in my fingertips
– Butterfly Rising
Embracing the shakedowns.
I have also learnt we need a little shakedown to show us where we are misaligned. To keep encouraging the growth. To remove the parts we have out grown. Not saying that I like them, but we need them. The icky feelings and emotions that arise during these shakedowns, we need to look at them – these are the clues.
There have been quite a few of those shakedowns in the past year for me. And I also know there are more to come.
Each time we crumble we get to choose which parts of us we keep and take with us as we continue to grow and which parts of us we choose to leave behind. For a long time these shakedowns had me picking up all the pieces. Not in this past year. I have left quite a bit behind. The bits that were stopping me feeling, experiencing, the bits that had me holding on. And it feels freakin fantastic! I feel more me than ever! And this is why I love me now….
Now that I know you exist, how do I not love you
– Butterfly Rising
Learning a new way to live.
I have learnt to live a life without attachment. Again not perfect at this. I keep saying it, we are human. When the man I thought was my forever walked out I had to release attachment to the way I thought life would be. Taking the leap to come here to England, I had to release the control I had on my life (read about that leap here). I have spent the past 7 months having no real plans. And with lock down I ‘kindly’ had plans taken away from me – I’m sure just a little test from the universe to make sure I really could live attachment and control free… I think I handled those shakedowns well.
Experiencing those shakedowns when you are on the other side of the world from your normal support system has been interesting. It definitely has added another layer to my healing and to me finding me.
I always found comfort in my mum, a cuddle with my dog, lying under the tree in my backyard, coffee with friends, sitting at the beach and before he left those enveloping hugs, those smiles and the touch of his foot as we fell asleep. It’s not til that’s taken do you really appreciate it.
So I had to find other ways. And I did. Then lock down hit. Those new ways of comfort – gone. I was left to self soothe. At the time it was hard. But now I am thankful. Whilst I will still call my friends and fam because some days you don’t want to go it alone – I can totally work though these shakedowns. I no longer need to rely on anyone else for my happiness.
It seems to be that I have looked back to see how far I’ve come and to see what I had.
Looking back to that moment a year ago I have very mixed feelings.
I realise I had exactly what I now wish for each night before I go to bed, I just couldn’t see it through the unhappiness that lived in me. That is tough.
I realise that without that first shakedown which has triggered the numerous others in this past year I would not have gotten myself to this place of love for myself and contentment with my life.
It’s strange feeling like you have become a different person but also feel more at home in yourself than ever before.
Your entire life really can change in a year.
The light has returned…