Can I just say what a couple of days…! I have been really tuning into the moon and it’s cycles for the past 4 months. Regularly attending Jordana Levin’s Online Moon Circles (which you can find out about here – no affiliation I just love them!) has allowed me to understand and feel into the energy of each moon and regularly release what I need to and invite in what I want in life. If I’m being completely honest there have been times when I have felt like nothing was changing. You hear of these people writing down intentions and BAM! they just happen. I have not been in that circle. And I think it is healthy to be honest that sometimes things just take time.
The Full Moon that occurred over the weekend was not like your regular Full Moon it was a lunar eclipse. So it’s pretty much like a Full Moon on steroids, allowing us to make even greater changes. It occurred in Cancer which is known for it’s maternal nature providing us with nurturing and security, particularly how this relates to our home, our family and our roots. Given a Full Moon is about releasing we can often feel that our emotional foundations in these areas may feel shaky or we may have revelations hit us. Think about your close relationships, your finances, where you live, how you need nurturing. The emotions that you feel are there to help set you on the right path for 2020. Don’t ignore them, don’t try to think them away, let them come, observe them, learn from them then let them pass (loud sighs are usually helpful with this.)
The Full Moon that occurred over the weekend has certainly felt like something shifted for me. Well actually my shift came the night before. Cancer is a water sign so this often makes our eyes a little ‘watery’… I can say that mine where a little more than watery… I was full body sobbing. And what lead to this….? The realisation that the thing I most needed to let go of was me!
For some time now I have felt that I have been the one standing in my own way yet really didn’t know how go about getting out of it. With that massive breakdown came the breakthrough.
I’m the one holding so tightly to a life I now know longer get to have. There is absolutely no benefit to me doing that. It’s anchoring me back in my past. The family, the man, the life that I wanted, I can never have that – not in the way it was planned with him. I needed to let that go. I have, and very consciously, been stuck, holding onto that. And why not. It was my dream. Dreams are hard to let go. The memories of times gone by filled me with joy. I loved our life. It was looking forward, without him and without our life that made me sad. It is now clear why I didn’t want to leave those nice, comforting, happy memories. The thing is, I can’t live in that world, that doesn’t exist for me know. I will always have those memories and I will always, always treasure what we had together.
There was my realisation! I’m sure that you may be thinking that surely she should have realised that you can’t go back. On a practical level I absolutely did. But on an emotional level I wasn’t ready/couldn’t/didn’t want to move on or let go. I helped the release by publishing a crude and un-poetic rip-off of the ending to the 90’s classic 10 Things I Hate About You. You can find that here.
The turmoil of the past 12 months has also changed who I am. I mean how can it not – the loss, the grief – these things have an impact, particularly with the personal growth and learning I have done. I have often felt that I don’t know who I am anymore. And whilst the idea of a blank canvas is inviting I have said before it is freaking scary as hell! I mean what if you ‘stuff it up’? What if I put something on it that I didn’t like? So I sat and wrote a list, well two lists actually – well now there’s the Virgo in me… The first list was all the things I loved about the person I was and wanted to take with me. I also tried to think of things that those I care about admire and love me for – I definitely wanted to keep those. The second list was all the things that I didn’t like so much and would be happy to leave in the past. This felt like such a release! And a relief….
I have felt more determined, focused, open, clear, accepting since that breakdown. Through the breakdown came the breakthroughs.
I do think the universe/god/your angels, whoever or whatever it is that you believes guides us, rewards us when we are making the effort. Despite feeling that sometimes I’ve been stuck, I have tried to continually move forward, I have made the effort through 2019 to make sure I was still turning up to life. As my reward, in the past few days I have caught myself smiling at myself in the mirror again, giving myself little pep talks, thinking nicer things about myself, having some ideas for my future (near future, the further away stuff is still a little scary…), diving back into doing the things that light me up.
Without healing and releasing at all levels (physical, emotional, spiritual) our health will never be able to be maximised.
If you would like to explore the learnings that I have taken from these experiences please check them out here. And you would like connect to share a story or just reach out please do so here or over on the socials.