For a very long time I have resisted escaping. I thought that going away. that leaving my life, would be running away.
Having been raised a strong woman by a strong woman I have always confronted my problems head on. This has meant always finding a way through, a way out to the other side, a solution. It has at times very much felt like I push against. What I’m pushing against I don’t know. But there has been feeling many times in my life.
The past few months have taught me this isn’t always the best solution for me. I need to just sit and ride the waves. Feel the lows, the depths, feel the highs and the peaks. In these moments don’t try and push. Don’t try and fix. It has literally felt like a reprogramming of my brain. And that reprogramming is still happening
It has created an inner conflict in me. The very grounded, practical, earthy Virgo part of me just wants to make all the lists to fix what I’m feeling. The fiery Leo just wants to go out into the world, shake her fabulous mane and get all the attention. Whilst the watery Pisces is delivering all the emotions.
Gaining a little insight.
What I have learnt through some investigating into what makes me me, is that I am programmed to respond. Not to initiate. Not to begin things. So all this pushing to make things ‘right’ has lead me to feeling frustrated. Frustrated for a large portion of the past 10 years. (If you would like to know more about your Human Design, you can find it here).
It lead me to constantly search, search, search for the thing that will make me better. I have always felt like my life should be grand, wondrous + filled with abundance. Yet I’ve never been able to get there. I’ve tried to ‘create’ my life.
Exploring me has lead me to realise this hasn’t worked… Yep 10years later I’m just getting that. Trust me I’m not normally that slow on the up take…!
Generally I like to play it safe.
I have played it safe my whole life. It’s like I’ve been wired to need a massive safety net under me. There hasn’t been many times where I can point to where I have been brave with my life. I have always done my homework before making any big leaps. Something else I have learnt is part of my make-up.
My past leaps.
I did take a leap in leaving what I thought was my dream job as an Area Manager with Aldi, to become a student again, to pursue my love of nutrition. This again was very considered. I did a Health and Nutrition Coaching course first to make sure I actually did want to do this. I saved up so I didn’t have to ‘stress’ about money whilst at uni.
Booking my trip to hike to Everest Base Camp. It seemed like such a big leap for me. Firstly because I was going to be going by myself. Secondly because until I started looking into it, I didn’t even realise ‘ordinary’ people could do it. After my researching (of course I researched) I realised that ‘ordinary’ people did this all the time and without a huge amount of preparation needed. So I hit book and I made it to Base Camp.
Resisting the urge to run.
There has been times in my life when all I wanted was to be taken out of my life. When things begin to get real tough. This thought I have always pushed against. What would ‘running away’ do? Don’t I need to just be here and push through it to the other side. That strong woman in me always stayed. She gave herself a moment to sit in the shit, then she got up and got on with life.
But what if that little voice wasn’t fear talking? What if that voice was my intuition? What if all this time, what I needed was just to leave my life to be able to find the clarity I need? To shift up my space to find a different perspective. To find an alternative way of moving through, of dealing with what was happening in my life, rather than what I had been conditioned to do in the past.
Embracing the inner Adventurer.
If you have been around here for a while you know that I totally embrace the woo-woo in me. I love astrology, the chakras, energy healing and working with the moon. I’m also totally digging Human Design too. The part of my Virgo sun I have never really resonated with was ‘The Adventurer’.
Adventurers for me are those that love living outside of their comfort zones, taking bold leaps, exploring something new and different. As someone who can only think of two real adventures she has taken – Everest Base Camp and moving into studying Nutrition – I haven’t felt like much of an adventurer. In fact I often feel envious of those that just decide they are going to strap on a backpack and see where the world takes them for 3 months. It’s like the other side of my Virgo-ness gets all worried about the details and the planning.
But what if I could adventure in the confines of my planning?
That idea was floated to me just 2 weeks ago by two very amazing friends.
That staying here – in my current life, stuck with emotions, fearful of the future – where I am is not going to allow me to fly. (You can read about all those emotions and fears here).
That I was destined to big things with my life. That I needed to soar.
And the tears flowed. My goodness did they flow. I don’t even know where they cam from.
As I’m writing this ready to embark on the greatest adventure of my life, those same tears are starting to form. If something invokes this much emotion within me I have to go.
Those friends, it’s like they spoke what that inner part of me has always been saying. ‘Kirsty you are here to do great things, you just need to break the barrier that keeps stopping you.’ I’ve always known that barrier was me. That it was always my fear holding me back. My over analysing situations until I become so stuck that I didn’t do anything.
I have no idea what lays ahead of me. And it honestly scares the f@#k out of me. But not for the reason that it would scare most people.
Yes I am scared of the unknown. I’m literally landing in England knowing only that I will always have support of my family and place to lay my head.
Outside of that, nothing. Nothing else planned. For those that know me, know how big a deal that is. How much of a shake up this is for me.
But the thing that scares me the most is – what if I do actually get everything I want…?