Wow the last couple of weeks. Hey who am I kidding it’s more like WOW the couple of MONTHS!. Like many of the weeks I have experienced since June, these have again been an emotional roller coaster. And I have given myself permission to breakdown.
If you follow me on the socials you may have noticed my Instastory on miscarriage. Monday the 19th was the expected due date of my little one had I got to meet her. Yep her. Whilst I wasn’t far enough along to know what the sex would have been, the energy that I feel around my little one is very much a female energy.
Feeling the low
It was an extremely hard day. Not only dealing with not meeting my little one but also the feelings that I had lost so much more. This was very much rooted in the realisation that the life I had always wanted was gone. That it was in my grasps and now I didn’t have any of it – most notably the person I thought was going to be my forever and the life we had planned. It was all gone. It brought up ALL the feelings and sent me into a pretty dark spiral.
There were moments of darkness when I felt like nothing but an empty shell. There were moments of raw pain. There were moments of complete breakdown. And I let myself feel them all. I sat, quite literally just sat, and felt it all.
This is a very different approach from what I would have done in the past. I would have pushed it aside. I would have told myself crying was weakness. There is no way I would given myself permission to breakdown. There have been times when I do question why, 3 months on from the day that Rick walked out, I am still feeling these intense feelings. I don’t have an exact answer for that but I do have a few theories.
I have been stuck in a loop of trying to understand, trying to get closure. Hello the Virgo in me!! Like if I could rationalise it I could change his mind.
I have been repeating past events over and over and over in my mind. Holding on with dear life to the moments of happiness and craving to have those moments again. Replaying the moments of regret and wishing I could go back and change them.
Feeling the fears
Then there is the absolute fear of the future. What if I don’t find love again? What if I don’t have children? What if I never have a family? When I met Rick I was well in the depths of feeling and thinking much the same as I am now. I didn’t think it was going to be possible for me. I had 4 years without a relationship. He changed everything and made me believe. Then he walked out. I’m fearful that was my chance.
All of this has definitely contributed to holding me back from moving forward. The most annoying thing – the only person who is suffering here is me. I also know the advice I would give others…
Not playing the sympathy card
Now I don’t tell you this for sympathy. I share this because past me would have squashed her feelings. I would have powered on. Not dealt. Not felt. Not learnt. I have done a lot of reflecting in the moments of sadness, pain and anger. I have learnt so many lesson from doing this. I have taken so many lessons from the relationship. It has helped me gain clarity around what I want and need moving forward and also how I need to show up. I have learnt to ask for help and support. I have found support and love in the most wonderful and unexpected places.
Feeling the highs
It hasn’t been all doom and gloom. I graduated! I started recording the series on energy. I have written over 16,000 words on energy and how we can optimise it in our lives.
I have connected back to me in ways I haven’t felt before. I have done so much growing. I have spent lots of time with myself in nature and felt very revitalised because of it. Nature really does heal.
Despite the circumstances I have been generous, open and respectful.
I have learnt that love is not conditional or limited. We can, and often will, hold love in our hearts for many people. We can feel hurt and love at the same time. We have endless room in our hearts to love. I have also learnt love is more than emotion. It is not something we drop in and out of. It is always with us, we just need to go in to experience it. I have really appreciated the love I have been shown.
Permission to breakdown
I hope that in sharing this you know that you can absolutely feel the depths of despair. You can give yourself permission to breakdown. You can acknowledge that shit things happen. That you cannot control the outcome of those shit things. You can however choose to feel through them.
I hope in sharing this you know you can absolutely have a breakdown. You can absolutely sit on the couch and watch a trashy Netflix series. (Personal experience tells me it is actually beneficial to do this.)
I also hope you know that tomorrow is a brand new day.
Everything in our life ebbs and flows. Rises and falls. Moves in cycles. Just as the highs don’t stay high forever. Neither do the lows. The sun rises every morning. The moon completes a cycle every 28days. The seasons change every 3 months. The ocean waves continue to roll in. This to mirrors our lives, our emotions, our experiences. Feel all of it. The highs, the lows, the cycles, the waves. It’s how we move through these that allow us to have a more complete experience of life.